Oh good God!

I am so unbelievable pissy, angry at the world, about to burst into tears or tear off someones head. It’s ridiculous. My fiance was the one that suggested quitting smoking, great suggestion, with NO follow through, I come home from work today (after struggling my way through, knowing we are doing this together) and he has cigarettes on the counter. Okay, so I resisted and resisted. Then he was going out and he left three on the counter for me. What part of QUITTING dont you understand?!?!?!? I ended up smoking a half of a cigarette and then broke them and threw them out. It is so ridiculous. My mother and father both died from smoking complications. I HAVE to quit.

Quitting on top of newly healthy eating is no easy task. So I will say again that I am unbelievable pissy, nasty, and no fun to be around currently.

Still, I’m about to total my day as I haven’t been dead on with my meal plan, and am crossing my fingers…

breakfast- pbj smoothie with too much peanut butter- 370

snack- 1 1/2 oranges and yogurt- 190

lunch- slimfast 180

snack- 1 cup grapes 60

dinner- tuna sub, pretzels, a few hot fries– 510

total so far: 1310

I don’t really know if I will eat anything else. Maybe a bag of popcorn (100 cal) but I’m so pissy I really just want to get the kids bathed and in bed and go to bed myself. SO pissy. What the hell do they put in cigarettes!!

I really  need a damn treadmill or elliptical. I think some hardcore cardio exercise would help me work off some pissiness. fiance wanted to take a walk after work today with the kids, nice and supportive of him, but I was so pissy ABOUT EVERYTHING, that I just took like an hour nap. I never freaking nap. It’s a beautiful day. WTF is wrong with me!!! Please help me get through this God. Right now I can’t even tolerate myself.

I hope tomorrow is better. At least I’ve held out on the calories. It is really something this quitting smoking and eating healthy. Seems a cigarette and some snickers ice cream with a ton of cookies dipped in icing and maybe some dill pickle chips and diet coke and I’d be back to myself. But what self is that? The one that can’t stand looking in the mirror, wont take pictures with the kids, revolves around food and food obsession, and probably wont live to see her grandchildren. Ugh. I’ll take the pissiness for a bit. It must get better soon, right?!?!?! Hopefully the half of cigarette wont have me starting all over. I probably smoked 10 a day before. It really didn’t help with anything and it tasted disgusting.

Okay, so hopefully you didnt want to slap me silly and tell me to stop bitching. I’m finished (for now)!! Lets cross our fingers for an easier tomorrow AND hopefully some progress on the scale!!!! I have to say that move from 216.8 to 217 this morning was quite annoying. I’m hoping for a 216.5 tomorrow. At least some sort of a downward trend!

I’m off to bed very soon to save the world from my pissiness. Good night.