226 TO 206 (well 206.2)! I’m really getting close to goal #2- under 200! Day 5 of low carb. I have to say I’m alot less hungry than I was the first few days, maybe my body is adjusting a bit. Since I had my twin boys over 3 years ago the lowest I have gotten on any weight loss attempt was 204 (from 226) two years ago and kept it off for a year then slowly the second year gained it all back. I haven’t been under 200 since before I got pregnant- Probably October 2010. I really can’t even remember how my body looks without all this fat on it. I’m sure it will look different anyway post twins. I’m a little worried actually, lol.

My first fat memory was in third grade. I needed to borrow a pencil. I didn’t want to ask the person next to me because I thought who would want my fat fingers to touch their pencil, like my fat might ruin it or something. but I needed a pencil, so I asked anyway, and they let me. I remember being shocked that they let me use their pencil. I dont know how much I weighed but it’s when I first started getting noticeable chubby.

My parents divorced the following year and food became my comfort.

By 7th grade I weighed 210-220 pounds. I remember having the most annoying muffin top ever to fit into cool looking clothes. And not liking the desks that opened on the side because they were kinda tight on me and I was so friggin embarassed. There was also this very popular boy Jordan that stopped me from entering the school saying, yelling, demanding that “fat people aren’t allowed”…This was the same boy that was friends with my friends brother and kissed me while at a sleepover at her house. Obviously he wanted to make sure he separated himself from me–although NO ONE knew except for my friend and I. (Not that I really thought we would like date or anything but I thought we were at least some kind of friendly acquaintances) But, to do this he had to humiliate me in front of everyone. To this day it haunts me and seems like yesterday. I had a friend that I grew up with right there next to him that said or did nothing. I was so alone and embarrassed. After that my father would drive me to school and let me stay in the car until everyone was inside and then I would run in. I know it broke his heart that I was so upset. I think after that I became much more quiet, reserved, and not soon after developed an eating disorder (Well, I probably already had one but had now broadened the category of eating disorders I struggled with.)

Throughout high school I would binge, starve, purge, restrict to a fruit loop a day, 0 grams of fat, and could somewhat maintain within the range of 140-180. I started making more friends and coming out of my shell a bit. Then I got cut from the field hockey team, I had lost weight but I still didn’t run the 3.5 miles as fast as the other girls and they let me go. I had resigned to being a goalie anyway- although I hated it- because otherwise I would have been cut years before that. After I got cut from field hockey I started making more friends from different crowds, I was doing drugs, and even got a boyfriend! The only boy that had ever kissed me was the mean one, Jordan. So, when this awesome, awesome boy expressed his interest in me, after we were friends for months and I was crazy about him also, god, I was so enthralled that a boy liked me that I went from kissing him to having sex with him in the same day. I guess I thought while someone liked me I better make sure I get it in because you never know when that might happen again. But we dated for a year until I got suspended from school for drugs and my mom sent me to counseling and everything. I ended up putting on some weight, back to the 200 mark probably… , I wasn’t doing drugs with him anymore, and was ready to grow up… he pretty much ditched me after that, and never spoke to me again.  Probably for the best in the long run.

College was a cycle of starving, drugs, and bingeing. Not many guys around, and certainly none that seemed to actually LIKE me. A couple that used me, a couple that became close friends, but nothing serious. I stayed in the 160 range with a variety of drugs, partying, and starvation. Near the end of college I had to grow up again, go to rehab, and then of course gained weight again. I’m sure it was 200 or 210.

I really think I did all those drugs because of my weight. It wasn’t the drugs I was obsessed with, it was getting skinny– whatever it took. So sad 😦

My adult life I have lost weight once. With slimfast I went from 226 (always my high that sets me off to lose weight for some reason) to about 160 and kept if off for a few years. I then got in an abusive relationship and gained every pound of it back within 8 months. I was so overcome by the notion that I had to help this dude that I could not let him go. I hoped that he would leave me. I remember sticking my stomach out as far as it would go hoping he would be disgusted and leave me. I stress ate ridiculous. He passed away in an accident and despite my complete despair, I remember thinking that was the only way I would have ever left him. My father passed away 5 months before him, than my mother the next month of cancer. It was a hard time and I never came back from it. that was now almost 7 years ago. I have spent so much of my life focusing on other peoples problems and taking care of them. A month after my mom passed away (so three deaths of the closest people to me within 6 months) I moved a guy in and had him enrolled in school, getting help for his drinking, changing his life. I never put that energy into myself. Not because I can’t or dont have the time, but because I choose not to. Maybe it makes me feel needed, like they wont leave me because they need me? Maybe because I don’t think I’m enough, so unless I’m helping them in some way I can’t possibly keep them. I just didn’t want to be alone and probably would have done anything back then to make someone love me. I’ve come a long way from the very lonely girl 7 years ago. I’ve almost come to even accept my weight at this point. I dont feel ugly anymore, I have friends, I have 2 wonderful kids, I’m marrying a guy that takes care of me a bit rather than the reverse, now, its more that I just am tired of obsessing about food and eating until I’m uncomfortable. I just want to be healthy and be a good role model so my kids don’t go through what I did. I want to release myself from the fat life.

Wouldn’t it be nice to let go of the fat life, to not obsess on food… to be free… to be healthy.. that is the goal. One day at a time.

missing the junk

today has been a pretty crappy personal day and yucky stressful and therefore i SO miss stress eating!!!! My usual coping method of course!! I would LOVE to scarf down some yummy yummy evil goodness. BUT I AM NOT! Definitely a repeated struggle. Even just fruit would be pretty awesome… soon enough I guess… I don’t really know if I will be able to do an extended induction beyond the two weeks, I think I will just miss fruit crazy by then. I LOVE my frozen grapes for a snack!! Totally sucks. Fat genes suck. Carb addiction sucks. Sugar sucks. Lifestyle change sucks. If only I was the type of person that could NORMALLY consume a bit of yummy evil goodness and then STOP and not think about it anymore. Unfortunately I’m the type that will have a bit or alot now and then a bit later and then a lot later and then tomorrow just continue. Ugh. Until I feel nasty and stuffed and uncomfortable in my pants and bloated and breathless and dealing with back pain. Ugh. I’d so rather keep moving AWAY from that scene into the my pants are loose and I need new clothes and have a ton of energy and might live a bit longer scene. the one where I am an awesome role model for my kids and fit into my moms wedding dress on my wedding day. yes. that is the right choice. ugh.

OK so now that I’m done talking myself out of gorging… I have made some sugar free jello (but dang that takes forever to be ready!! ugh) and found a powerade zero. its actually quite yummy and is helping my sweet tooth. i can totally see myself devouring the whole tray of sugar free jello when its done. I am going to have to force myself to cut the tray into portions, put it onto a dish, and go into another room and actually enjoy each bite of a normal portion. eating an entire tray, regardless of the lack or carbs or calories, does not make it okay. bad patterns. WHEN it is FINALLY ready I have my plan. No jello gorging.

So, for today…

breakfast- egg and 2 sausage links

lunch- 5 hot wings and a side salad with ranch

dinner- 7 mini meatballs with provolone on top and broccoli stir fried in butter

snack- 1 celery stalk with a little ranch, powerade zero, jello (some day when its done)

calories-1100, carbs 14

hoping for downward movement on the scale tomorrow. i held up well today with the upward movement, but would hate that two days in a row but im ready in case. it seems like sometimes the scale hangs around a number 2 or 3 days and then you will drop like 2 pounds overnight.

i can say it is certainly ALOT easier to not eat as much. when i look back at what i ate today I actually cant believe i did it without feeling that deprived. a day like this a couple months ago would have felt like i was starving. im not even hungry- just my emotions are today. grrrr.


Scale went up a bit but still feel great!

2/21 Starting weight with calorie restriction diet and low fat- 226- lost 16 pounds and started low carb at 210- . Day 4 of low carb- 2.6 pounds lost… almost 19 total.

So went from 207.2 yesterday to 207.4 this morning, but I totally feel like I’m losing weight (and inches– or at least centimeters). I’ve got to get a measuring tape. This is def one of those days where I know the scale is not representing my efforts.

Yesterday I ended up at about 1500 calories and 15 carbs.

Breakfast- 2 eggs, 3 sausage links, green pepper, and cheese

Lunch- steamed chicken breast with a little green pepper and onion

Dinner-Taco meat over a mixed greens salad with sour cream and a bit of cheese

Snack- 1 oz mild cheddar, slice of luncheon ham, and 1 celery stalk with ranch  then 2 slices squash

I think maybe I over did it with breakfast so this morning I opted for one egg and 2 sausage links. I also don’t really feel like eating.

For lunch today I’m thinking of ordering chicken wings (non breaded of course– are most restaurant wings unbreaded unless specified?) and a side salad. Or I will walk over to the 7-11 and grab a chicken salad. I just don’t like bringing salads to work, they never seem to taste good by the time lunch comes. I might google some lunch salad ideas as I’d much rather bring my lunch and save my money.

For dinner it’s meatballs with 1 slice provolone and a salad with italian.

That’s the plan and I’m sticking with it! 🙂 One day at a time– which hopefully will become easier and easier…

I CAN say that I wake up in the morning SO MUCH EASIER! Like I can actually jump up and get out of bed– almost on my own (without alarm clock)– I’m sure the longer I stick at it the more energy I will have throughout the day because as of now in the afternoon I feel like I was hit by a truck!

I went for it– low carb lifestyle…

Well, after all my deliberation I decided to give it a try– low carb. So, I’m on day 3 of Atkins Induction. I did the phase 2 atkins a couple years ago for a month and I remember really missing the carbs. Then I ate one carby thing and went full crazy for like 2 or 3 days. Hopefully this time I can follow the induction and graduate into the phases. Hoping following the specific guidelines will help me to do it in a way that I will be able to get rid of the cravings.

I’m currently down to 207.2 from 226! Thats about 19 pounds! So I accomplished goal 1 which was go get under 210. Actually stared at the scale this morning because the numbers looked so funny to see a zero in the middle. Will be real funny looking to see a 1 and not a 2 in the beginning. I can’t wait!! Goal 2 is under 200 pounds! I know when you first start a low carb program you drop some water weight, but hey, it’s still less I’m carrying around, right!

I do notice my clothes are getting a little bit more comfortable but they are still tight. But I feel it all over- my tummy, arms, face, legs, even fingers, lol. Oh, actually, I had been using a bra extender because all my bras had gotten so darn tight and I stopped using it a few days ago as they finally fit again! So 19 pounds spread throughout all my body isn’t quite as noticeable, but it’s gone! I don’t even think people can tell. It’s crazy that I let myself get so overweight that I can lose 20 pounds and it’s barely noticeable! But hey, at least I’m doing something about it! And certainly in ten more pounds I’m really going to feel it, my clothes will probably fit properly and in about 20 pounds more I think they will be a bit loose. That will keep me motivated! Also, of course, being able to comfortably go to the beach this summer with my kids 🙂 And fitting in my mother’s wedding dress when I get married next year 🙂

Ohh also since I started the low carb I am so friggin thirsty so I’m definitely drinking over 8 cups of water (and peeing a friggin lot)!

So on the menu for today:

Breakfast- omelet with 2 eggs, 3 sausage links, green pepper, a lil tomato and a tablespoon shredded cheddar cheese fried in 1 tbsp butter.

Lunch- Walking to 7-11 to get a chicken salad

Dinner- meatballs with melted cheese and a mixed greens salad with cucumbers, squash, and tomato with italian dressing.

Here’s to another successful, productive, non-food-obsessed, beautiful day!

I can do this- one day at a time (maybe some day it wont be so hard though, lol)

one day at a time

I’ve been so cranky lately. Just outright mean sometimes. I get triggered so easily. I am so frustrated about my weight still and taking it out on others. I’ve got to go back to my way of pointing out all the great things about myself each morning and no down talking. I have got to accept me and accept that I am working on my flaws. I have also got to stop taking my frustrations out on others. I also need to get up earlier so I’m not in a manic panic when the keys arent in eye sight. Therefore not yelling first thing in the morning. I am quite ridiculous with my rudeness sometimes. It’s so lame how we are meanest to the people we love. I am definitly focusing on being nicer and more organized this week!

As for the scale it says 211. So first 210.8 then 211.4 and now 211. ANNOYING. I am still seriously considering following a low carb plan to help boost my weight loss and get under 200. Going to do some more research on it.

Have a great day- a beautiful, productive, non-food-obsessed day for me! One day at a time I can do this 🙂


This morning the scale went from 210.8 to 211.4. It’s annoying. I really shouldnt be weighing myself daily for that very reason. Its discouraging to see upward movement when you are eating well.


breakfast- chocolate banana protein smoothie 270

lunch- 1/2 ham sandwich- 220 and 1/4 pbj sandwich- 150 and goldfish crackers 130

snack- gummy candies 130

dinner- chocolate protein smoothie 180

snack- 1 1/2 cups grapes 90 and pistacios 190

dessert- popcorn 50 and 1 oz cheese 100

total- 1410

certainly doesnt constitute gaining 1/2 pound so I know its just water retention or some bull.. it will go back down

Okay, so today

2 eggs with green pepper, onion, and ham- 210

snack- full fat strawberry yogurt (it just looked so darn good) 170

lunch- chili with peppers and cheese 320  with 1 tbsp sour cream 30 and green salad with italian 55

total so far- 785

dinner- roasted chicken (1 cup) 270 with carrots 40 and 1/2 cup rice 100- and side salad with 1 tbsp italian dressing- 60=470 (i could just put the roasted chicken over top of my salad… not sure yet if I’ll be down with this)

dessert- 1/2 cup frozen grapes 30 and hot tea


As you can see today I have decided to TRY to eat food and keep in moderation. I am not doing low carb or the protein drinks but trying to stay in my same calorie range and avoid eating carbs ALL DAY EVERY MEAL, if I can learn to enjoy them in moderation that would be key to long term success. A real life style change.

What I tried today was a low carb breakfast, snack with a lil carbs, no carb lunch, and moderate carbs with dinner. I also think one or two fruits a day would work well for me. I’m pleased that I feel good today and am eating REAL food and managing to stay in control. I’ll see how it goes… I just bought two cases of the protein drink and then woke up this morning thinking that I should just try real food.. I have mentioned before the protein drinks work well for me because it stops me from losing control as sometimes when I start eating I dont want to stop. I figure after about a month of the drinks its time to at least try and see if I have built some better control. i also dont want to deprive myself and end up bingeing.

hopefully the scale doesnt reject my new ways. a calorie is a calorie is a calorie i hope. hopefully it doesnt matter if its a liquid drink or real food as long as its the same calories.

i am thinking if i really end up enjoying the low carb breakfast and lunch thing then i may consider at atkins 40… depends on how badly i want the carbs when dinner comes and how it makes me feel eating them. we will see.

hope youre having a great day!

16 pounds down!

Slow but steady wins the race. My patience is on overkill to get under 210 and even more under 200. I’m now at 210.8!! I am starting to feel more of a difference but it is still very minor. Ten more pounds and I will be able to feel it a bit more in my clothing. As it was my clothes were so tight in the waist that they still don’t fit well but at least I can say I’m doing something about it and getting there! About 3 or 4 more weeks of staying on track and I hope to be close or at that under 200 mark!

I think I’ve also decided to stay with the protein drinks for a bit longer as its working and helping me to maintain control. I think I’ll give it another week and then try substitute a healthy breakfast, protein drink for lunch, and my healthy dinner. I want to keep working on my snacking and food obsession another week before I add in eaten meals. One is because I’m not sure I trust myself yet to eat a proper portion and the other reason is the convenience and affordability of the protein drink. No matter what is going on I can grab one and take it with me. So, two goals- work on planning better and following a meal plan with pre-planned portions.

On the menu for today:

bf- protein drink 180

lunch- protein drink 180

dinner- chicken roast with veggies and brown rice 500

snacks- fruits 120

dessert- popcorn and grapes 130

1110, leaves me some extra for another snack or additives to my lunch smoothie

Here’s to a wonderful, joyous, fun, non-food-obsessed Saturday! My sister is coming to visit for the month today and I’m super excited!!! Can’t wait to see her 🙂

Another day accomplished

I haven’t really been very hungry today. I think I’m more worried that I’m getting off track with all the snacking lately and my fear of losing control is becoming a bit obsessive.

breakfast- turkey sausage on whole wheat bagel and skim milk- 380

lunch- vanilla protein drink 180

snack- some chicken and 1/2 biscuit and juice 250

snack- 7 chips -50

dinner- chocolate protein smoothie- 180

some popcorn from my sons bowl-20


maybe im coming down with something.

its amazing to not snack in the evening and not care. wow.

hope you had a great day!

14 pounds down!

Well the scale is still moving in the right direction despite my bumps and hiccups that I keep fighting. I am now 212.4… Seems like it is forever until I’m under 200. It has been weeks already. Just have to keep it up and remember this is a lifestyle change, not a race, and despite how long it takes my health is improving each day.

Definitely considering the low carb diet but until I have an opportunity to plan my meals and get to the store I’m staying with the protein drinks.  Yesterday, however, I ate real food all day and tried to stay in moderation. It was hard to stop when my portion was finished but I did manage. My calories for yesterday were about 1500. Not bad, not great, but it was enough to keep losing a small bit at a time.

Absolutely exhausted and burnt out with the week. TGIF.

rockin the downward trend!!

so even with my snacking lately the scale is still moving in a downward trend! just tenths of a pound  movement in the past few days but downward trend nonetheless!! this morning- 213.2!! I’m getting there. 🙂

Here’s to a wonderful, productive, healthy, and non-food-obesessed day!

For me today-

forgot my breakfast 😦 (well woke up too late to make it)- apple

lunch- greens with a bit of chicken salad on top

dinner- unknown because i have to go to the store still… i will settle this before lunch time and plan it out for the next week!

one day at a time is rockin it!