226 TO 206 (well 206.2)! I’m really getting close to goal #2- under 200! Day 5 of low carb. I have to say I’m alot less hungry than I was the first few days, maybe my body is adjusting a bit. Since I had my twin boys over 3 years ago the lowest I have gotten on any weight loss attempt was 204 (from 226) two years ago and kept it off for a year then slowly the second year gained it all back. I haven’t been under 200 since before I got pregnant- Probably October 2010. I really can’t even remember how my body looks without all this fat on it. I’m sure it will look different anyway post twins. I’m a little worried actually, lol.
My first fat memory was in third grade. I needed to borrow a pencil. I didn’t want to ask the person next to me because I thought who would want my fat fingers to touch their pencil, like my fat might ruin it or something. but I needed a pencil, so I asked anyway, and they let me. I remember being shocked that they let me use their pencil. I dont know how much I weighed but it’s when I first started getting noticeable chubby.
My parents divorced the following year and food became my comfort.
By 7th grade I weighed 210-220 pounds. I remember having the most annoying muffin top ever to fit into cool looking clothes. And not liking the desks that opened on the side because they were kinda tight on me and I was so friggin embarassed. There was also this very popular boy Jordan that stopped me from entering the school saying, yelling, demanding that “fat people aren’t allowed”…This was the same boy that was friends with my friends brother and kissed me while at a sleepover at her house. Obviously he wanted to make sure he separated himself from me–although NO ONE knew except for my friend and I. (Not that I really thought we would like date or anything but I thought we were at least some kind of friendly acquaintances) But, to do this he had to humiliate me in front of everyone. To this day it haunts me and seems like yesterday. I had a friend that I grew up with right there next to him that said or did nothing. I was so alone and embarrassed. After that my father would drive me to school and let me stay in the car until everyone was inside and then I would run in. I know it broke his heart that I was so upset. I think after that I became much more quiet, reserved, and not soon after developed an eating disorder (Well, I probably already had one but had now broadened the category of eating disorders I struggled with.)
Throughout high school I would binge, starve, purge, restrict to a fruit loop a day, 0 grams of fat, and could somewhat maintain within the range of 140-180. I started making more friends and coming out of my shell a bit. Then I got cut from the field hockey team, I had lost weight but I still didn’t run the 3.5 miles as fast as the other girls and they let me go. I had resigned to being a goalie anyway- although I hated it- because otherwise I would have been cut years before that. After I got cut from field hockey I started making more friends from different crowds, I was doing drugs, and even got a boyfriend! The only boy that had ever kissed me was the mean one, Jordan. So, when this awesome, awesome boy expressed his interest in me, after we were friends for months and I was crazy about him also, god, I was so enthralled that a boy liked me that I went from kissing him to having sex with him in the same day. I guess I thought while someone liked me I better make sure I get it in because you never know when that might happen again. But we dated for a year until I got suspended from school for drugs and my mom sent me to counseling and everything. I ended up putting on some weight, back to the 200 mark probably… , I wasn’t doing drugs with him anymore, and was ready to grow up… he pretty much ditched me after that, and never spoke to me again. Probably for the best in the long run.
College was a cycle of starving, drugs, and bingeing. Not many guys around, and certainly none that seemed to actually LIKE me. A couple that used me, a couple that became close friends, but nothing serious. I stayed in the 160 range with a variety of drugs, partying, and starvation. Near the end of college I had to grow up again, go to rehab, and then of course gained weight again. I’m sure it was 200 or 210.
I really think I did all those drugs because of my weight. It wasn’t the drugs I was obsessed with, it was getting skinny– whatever it took. So sad 😦
My adult life I have lost weight once. With slimfast I went from 226 (always my high that sets me off to lose weight for some reason) to about 160 and kept if off for a few years. I then got in an abusive relationship and gained every pound of it back within 8 months. I was so overcome by the notion that I had to help this dude that I could not let him go. I hoped that he would leave me. I remember sticking my stomach out as far as it would go hoping he would be disgusted and leave me. I stress ate ridiculous. He passed away in an accident and despite my complete despair, I remember thinking that was the only way I would have ever left him. My father passed away 5 months before him, than my mother the next month of cancer. It was a hard time and I never came back from it. that was now almost 7 years ago. I have spent so much of my life focusing on other peoples problems and taking care of them. A month after my mom passed away (so three deaths of the closest people to me within 6 months) I moved a guy in and had him enrolled in school, getting help for his drinking, changing his life. I never put that energy into myself. Not because I can’t or dont have the time, but because I choose not to. Maybe it makes me feel needed, like they wont leave me because they need me? Maybe because I don’t think I’m enough, so unless I’m helping them in some way I can’t possibly keep them. I just didn’t want to be alone and probably would have done anything back then to make someone love me. I’ve come a long way from the very lonely girl 7 years ago. I’ve almost come to even accept my weight at this point. I dont feel ugly anymore, I have friends, I have 2 wonderful kids, I’m marrying a guy that takes care of me a bit rather than the reverse, now, its more that I just am tired of obsessing about food and eating until I’m uncomfortable. I just want to be healthy and be a good role model so my kids don’t go through what I did. I want to release myself from the fat life.
Wouldn’t it be nice to let go of the fat life, to not obsess on food… to be free… to be healthy.. that is the goal. One day at a time.