Ugh, I suck.

I smoked a cigarette this morning. I suck. It’s SO hard when they are RIGHT THERE in my face 😦 … but if my boys daddy is going to keep smoking I really HAVE to quit. They need a freaking parent to be healthy and alive. I’m going to have to really block his damn cigarettes out. It is really causing a rif between us at the moment. I’ve quit before for a couple years while he still smoked so I know I can do it again!!!

This morning the scale said 216.2, yay!  A downward trend is still on 🙂 (and TMI but I hadn’t even used the bathroom yet, I almost wanted to take my clothes off and weigh again after the deed but didn’t have the time, lol)

So, on the menu for today:

Breakfast- pumpkin pie smoothie- 220

Snack- apple-60

Lunch- chocolate slimfast-180

Snack- cutie orange- 40

Dinner- ham, baked potato, carrots (still have to look up the calories) estimate 500

dessert- popcorn 100

total- 1100 (leaves me 100 or so extra to work with)

Here’s to another try at a smoke free day and a healthy happy filling of my tummy 🙂


I have to say my clothes are fitting a tiny bit better and I feel like I can already see it very slightly in my face. I’m excited to see myself one month from now… six months from now!… eight months from now!! I’m IN THIS for the long haul!

It has gotten SO much easier. In the evenings I really don’t even think about snacks anymore. I don’t even has as much of an appetite. My stomach has definitely shrunk a bit, when I first started I was hungry and dizzy, stomach growling and very uncomfortable for alot of the afternoon. Now, I’m absolutely fine until dinner with just a little fruit or something to hold me over. Now that is definitely an accomplishment! I am also much more easily turning down offered food. I have to say it sticks with me for the day and I still feel a bit of a loss not partaking with others but I know that I let myself eat pretty much whatever I want at dinner so it leaves me not really feeling deprived. It’s surprising how you can adapt all your favorite foods to fit into a nice 500 or so calorie meal that will still allow me to lose weight!

Hope we have a beautiful day with lots of good health! 🙂 One day at a time!

Oh good God!

I am so unbelievable pissy, angry at the world, about to burst into tears or tear off someones head. It’s ridiculous. My fiance was the one that suggested quitting smoking, great suggestion, with NO follow through, I come home from work today (after struggling my way through, knowing we are doing this together) and he has cigarettes on the counter. Okay, so I resisted and resisted. Then he was going out and he left three on the counter for me. What part of QUITTING dont you understand?!?!?!? I ended up smoking a half of a cigarette and then broke them and threw them out. It is so ridiculous. My mother and father both died from smoking complications. I HAVE to quit.

Quitting on top of newly healthy eating is no easy task. So I will say again that I am unbelievable pissy, nasty, and no fun to be around currently.

Still, I’m about to total my day as I haven’t been dead on with my meal plan, and am crossing my fingers…

breakfast- pbj smoothie with too much peanut butter- 370

snack- 1 1/2 oranges and yogurt- 190

lunch- slimfast 180

snack- 1 cup grapes 60

dinner- tuna sub, pretzels, a few hot fries– 510

total so far: 1310

I don’t really know if I will eat anything else. Maybe a bag of popcorn (100 cal) but I’m so pissy I really just want to get the kids bathed and in bed and go to bed myself. SO pissy. What the hell do they put in cigarettes!!

I really  need a damn treadmill or elliptical. I think some hardcore cardio exercise would help me work off some pissiness. fiance wanted to take a walk after work today with the kids, nice and supportive of him, but I was so pissy ABOUT EVERYTHING, that I just took like an hour nap. I never freaking nap. It’s a beautiful day. WTF is wrong with me!!! Please help me get through this God. Right now I can’t even tolerate myself.

I hope tomorrow is better. At least I’ve held out on the calories. It is really something this quitting smoking and eating healthy. Seems a cigarette and some snickers ice cream with a ton of cookies dipped in icing and maybe some dill pickle chips and diet coke and I’d be back to myself. But what self is that? The one that can’t stand looking in the mirror, wont take pictures with the kids, revolves around food and food obsession, and probably wont live to see her grandchildren. Ugh. I’ll take the pissiness for a bit. It must get better soon, right?!?!?! Hopefully the half of cigarette wont have me starting all over. I probably smoked 10 a day before. It really didn’t help with anything and it tasted disgusting.

Okay, so hopefully you didnt want to slap me silly and tell me to stop bitching. I’m finished (for now)!! Lets cross our fingers for an easier tomorrow AND hopefully some progress on the scale!!!! I have to say that move from 216.8 to 217 this morning was quite annoying. I’m hoping for a 216.5 tomorrow. At least some sort of a downward trend!

I’m off to bed very soon to save the world from my pissiness. Good night.

almost 24 hours smoke free

well, last night I either wanted a cigarette or a snack so badly by 9:00 that I just went to bed. Maybe it will be easier in a couple days.  It’s lunch time now and I can’t say I have a big appetite but my body is pissed it isn’t getting its regular nicotine fix. Totally sucks. Too bad smoking kills because I love it about as much as eating, maybe more because it doesn’t make me fat. hah. So, anyway, almost 24 hours smoke free, really only a few days left and I should be over it. Hopefully I can control my cravings for junk while I detox from the nicotine.

So, on the menu for today…

breakfast- pbj smoothie (slimfast 180, jelly 40, pb (1 1/2 tbsp 150-i went overboard with the peanut butter 😦  )=370

snack- 1 1/2 oranges 90 and a yogurt 100-190

lunch- slimfast 180

dinner- grilled chicken salad with croutons- 400

Dessert- hot tea and popcorn- 110

Total: 1250

This morning the stupid stupid scale went up from 216.8 to 217. Yesterday my calories were fine, under 1300 so I know there’s no way in the world I gained weight. It’s just a matter of patience. It could be womanly things, water retention, a number of things that could have caused the number to go up. I have to not let it deter me but it is very frustrating!!! How often do you weigh youself? Why do you think the scale goes up when  you should be losing? (I am not forgetting to log ANYTHING and have researched the actual correct calories I am eating) How do you handle the evil scale?


My coworkers just came to invite me to order from Chipotle with them. I’m not even tempted. I already had my breakfast, snacks, and lunch. I’m good. I want a cigarette still, but I’m good. No thanks. In 6 months you will see why!! Please let me be able to keep this up (and be smoke free) for the entire next 6 months (or for my lifetime)!! Temptation sucks.

One day, sometimes one minute, at a time! I will eat healthy and be smoke free- this is my body and I love me!! I deserve it 🙂

It’s like a little pain now or alot of pain later… for me and my loved ones… I gotta grow up and quit this smoking thing once and for all. At 4:20 I’ll be 24 hours. My hardest times are in the morning, at lunch, after work, and after dinner. After work probably being the hardest of them all to skip. BUT I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!

Here’s to defying the odds by quitting smoking and losing weight AT THE SAME TIME!!! I’m going to prove it can be done 🙂

Great days one day at a time!

Followed according to plan 🙂 Hopefully tomorrow shows some more encouraging results!

breakfast- pumpkin smoothie 220

snack- broccoli and Pinapple chunks- 1/3 cup – 50

snack- Small apple- 50

lunch- slimfast 180

snack- Carrots and 1 tbsp ranch- 100

dinner- chili dog and baked french fries 630 (roll 120, 2 hot dogs 300, chili 1/4 cup 60, 15 fries 130, 1 tbsp ketchup 20=630)

dessert- hot tea with 1/4 packet splenda- 10 and 2 cups popcorn 35

snack- frozen grapes 30

total- 1305

One day at a time!

Quit smoking today as well. Really hope it doesn’t totally screw up my weight loss. I just know I have to do it. Why lose weight to get healthy if I’m still going to fill my lungs with cigarette crap. Totally sucks but I’ll be over it in a couple weeks. Again, hope I don’t end up overeating as so many do when they try to quit smoking. I bought the damn quit smoking gum so hopefully that will help. I was going to quit last Friday and had a million excuses but today my fiance quit so I figure what better time to jump on board with the health boat… wish me luck!

ten pounds down!

This morning the scale hit 216.8! I started at 226 a few weeks ago, so, yay, 10 pounds down!

On the menu for today:

Breakfast: pumpkin pie smoothie- 220

Lunch: Slimfast- 180

Snack: Fruit-50

Dinner: Chili dog and fries -600

snack: popcorn- 100

Dessert: Frozen grapes, hot tea-30

total: 1180

One day at a time! 🙂

I am starting to feel a difference in how my pants fit, but mostly I feel a difference in my attitude and demeanor. I am not obesessing about food! It’s like well this is what I”m eating today and there’s no reason to keep thinking about it. I don’t even have to talk myself out of snacks as much as I was last week. I am soooo happy to start feeling free from my food obsessions and overeating. I feel so much better, so much more energetic, excited, and it’s even easier to get up in the morning… maybe partially because I’m excited to see what the scale will say.. I have to reduce my reliance on the scale…

Here’s to a bright, cheery, energized, positive, and productive day! Enjoy! It is our life 🙂

I love me.


Yay for fruit at a birthday party!

Today was a great and strong day for me. Turned down pizza, cake, and soda for fruit (which I contributed to the party) and water at a birthday party! Yay! That had to be a first, for at least like the past 4 years probably, lol. Also, a friend brought me a whole grain muffin for breakfast, very nice of her, but I politely declined.

Breakfast- Pumpkin Pie Smoothie 220

Snack- apple-60

Lunch- Slimfast-180

Snack- Apple and 1/4 banana-80

Dinner- 2 tacos with corn, lettuce, tomato, with a little cheese and 2 tbsp sour cream-460

Snack- popcorn with 2 tsp parmesan cheese and hot tea-120

Maybe 1/2 cup frozen grapes in a bit-30

total: 1150

I’ve been drinking alot more water. It seems when I’m not overeating I notice my thirst alot more. I probably had 100 ounces of water today. I also had more energy than usual.

It’s becoming easier to not snack and obsess about food. I hope it doesn’t sneak up on me… the cravings and endless need to have something I shouldn’t… I am so happy staying on track…

This morning the scale moved to 218. Ugh. It is just taking forever to get under 200. Funny because I think I could GAIN  15 pounds quite easily. 🙂

Hope you had a great and positive day as well.

One day at a time!! Another day achieved!

a day at a time :)


Well I made some changes to my meal plans today, which can be dangerous, and I also chose not to have a smoothie for lunch but to have a half sandwich and a fruit. I opt for the smoothie because sometimes when I start eating I just can’t stop but today I did!!

Breakfast: chocolate peanut butter smoothie- 270

Lunch- 1/2 rotisserie chicken sandwich and a cutie orange- 240

Dinner- whole wheat penne and meatballs with garlic bread and a salad- 600

Dessert- 1/2 cup frozen grapes and hot tea 30

Total: 1140

I may have a 100 cal bag of popcorn in a bit…

How do u feel about snacks after 8 pm? I wonder if it could be effecting my weight loss????

I cleaned out and organized my dressers and closet, washed all the linens and clothes, and cleaned my kids room. Then I  took a long hot bath tonight and painted my toes. Its amazing the things I have time for when I’m not centered around eating.

Feeling very positive.

The reasons I want to lose weight…

1. To control my obsession with food and focus on all of the other wonderful aspects of life

2. More energy

3. To be able to enjoy going out (and to want to)- from going to the store to get the outfit to wearing it with pride and feeling good

4. To be a better role model for my children and help them to avoid obesity

5. To be comfortable- in clothes and in my body (i.e. jeans, no back pain)

6. To wear my mother’s wedding dress (way too small as of now) when I get married in April 2016

7. To be able to wear simply shorts and a top in the summer, I always find I have to wear different layers and styles that look nice in the summer and it’s just too darn hot. I’d love to just be able to wear shorts and a top.

8. To be able to enjoy the beach more, I love the beach!

9. To possibly be able to get pregnant (very difficult with obesity and PCOS) if we so choose to want to have another baby. There is really something to be said for not even having that be a normal possibility.

10. to be in good health and live long for my family.

In my plans:

Orlando with the kids

Caribbean Vacation


for all three of these things I would love to be thinner so that I can enjoy it more

Edit to dinner this evening- fiance wants to save the turkey roast for when we have people visiting soon- deciding on a replacement

The long haul…

I think I am finally on this for the long haul. I have two kind of triggers in the past-

one is the scale not budging or even going up when I am eating healthy. My scale shows each tenth of a pound so I guess I believe that I should be seeing at least some tenths of a pound each day and it just doesnt work like that for some reason! So for four days now I’ve gone from 219 to 218.6 to 219 to 218.6. That’s annoying. Like am I really still eating enough to sustain 218.6 pounds?? I know a pound takes a deficit of 3500 calories, I know the math, I’m just very impatient- be it the reason my weight loss has not succeeded in the past. It takes ALOT of dedication and belief in something you can’t see for quite some time to stay on track.

the second is not really a trigger but maybe has been like an opportunity- when my fiance (children’s father) is going to be out for the night on the weekend in the past I have planned what the kids and I would order for dinner and would have REALLY enjoyed that meal! It would have been something fatty, delicious, including a dessert, and way too big of portions. I wouldn’t endulge myself like this when anyone else was around really and the kids are too young to really realize how much mommy ate. I would then try to hide one or so of the take out containers in the big trash can outside so it looked like we just ordered whatever was left in the fridge. SO, anyway, last night was one of those nights and I never even considered ordering out. I did opt to make home made cheese steaks and after I added up the calories I was surprised it topped 620 calories. I’ve thought of ways to cut that a bit in the future as I like my dinners under 500. Anyway, it was pretty good, I could account for the calories and adjust my calories surrounding it. After my cheese steak (while he was still home) I probably thought of all the unhealthy/yummy snacks I could eat 20 times (maybe even 100) but chose 1/2 frozen grapes and hot tea. I was really craving that spaced out stuffing my face feeling. But nope. That was it for the evening.

I’m so stuck on my need for food, its almost like I think I can’t BE without it. But, hey, I didn’t really snack last night and I’m still here, still alive, not depressed. I have alot of work to change my thoughts and patterns. It’s like internally I really think the world is nothingness/boring/dull without food. I guess food has been my center, the highlight of my days and nights, my best friend for so long. It’s kind of like mourning a death, not of course to the same degree, but on a certain level, because you have to let go of something that meant so much to you and you really can’t even endulge the same way again, probably ever if you’re lucky. Don’t get me wrong, wouldn’t it be nice to never stuff myself silly again, to never regret overeating- of course! But that feeling is part of my addiction to food I guess- it’s hard to feel satisfied without that filled up feeling. the one that takes over so strongly that everything else is a big blur.

So, yesterday was a success. Frozen grapes and hot tea on a Saturday night home alone with the kids. It’s quite shocking really. And I’m okay, it didn’t kill me. I didn’t drop any weight unfortunately, but it didn’t kill me. So here’s to one more day!

I notice myself so pissed with the scale that I want to just avoid food today and eat like 600 or 700 calories –I’ve alreay skipped breakfast and had coffee instead- I’m stopping that sh** now!! I know that is not going to lead to long term success, probably just a binge, so I’m going to stay on track with my calories and keep with the over 1200 and under 1500 plan that seems to be working for me.  I do think that I should stay closer to 1200 than 1500 but I dont want to restrict calories so much that I deny myself so many things that I end up binge-ing.

For today:

BF- Pumpkin pie smoothie (my favorite)- 200

Lunch- Chocolate peanut butter smoothie-270

Snack- 1 cup carrots/celery sticks and 1 tbsp ranch-130

Dinner- Turkey roast with carrots, 1/2 potato, and 3/4 cup brown rice-450

Dessert- 1/2 cup frozen grapes and hot tea, probably popcorn-130


Thanks for following and supporting me on my journey!


Brunch- chocolate smoothie 180

Snack- vanilla skinny late 140

Snack- 7 pepperoni 70

Dinner- cheese steak 620

Snack- 2 fish sticks 70

15 chips- 100

Dessert-1/2 cup grapes and hot tea 30


Hopefully the scale will move downward soon…